I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
