Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
