I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
