do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
