It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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