I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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