Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
