i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
