apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
