did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
