Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
