The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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