He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize