When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize
