Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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