i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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