I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
