Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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