I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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