4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize