her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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