Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
