I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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