Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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