: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
