alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
