All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize