the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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