This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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