we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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