I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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