life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think I am morally bankrupt
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
