i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
