my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
