Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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