I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
