She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
