i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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