You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
