U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just blew my weed a kiss
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
