I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
