Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
