Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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