I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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