your parents love me but you hate me
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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