you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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