my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
