Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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