sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
