You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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