I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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