Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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