last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
