Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
