life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
