You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
