who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
