So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
