I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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