i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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