I wish I could teleport
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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